I remember being at a week-long retreat with Iyanla Vanzant, author, spiritual teacher and tv host of "Iyanla, Fix My Life." The first thing she said was "I am f*cked up" which blew my mind. Later on in the week she said, "I want to learn how to do a lap dance." I was totally stunned.
It is not that I am a nun and no need to go into stories or try to prove my non-nunness, yet I just didn't see the clear connection between spiritual studies and sex. I saw them as two different things. Or a blurry, confusing mess, actually.
As I commit to true willingness to be FREE and to release all of my judgments and opinions, AND have a loving relationship, this is topic that deserves some time.
I have recently thought of writing a book called, "The Dalai Lama goes to the strip club." I thought, if I can figure out how the Dalai Lama would act in a strip club, I have a model for what to do with my disparaging feelings of confusion and curiosity. I don't have to try to kill all of the strippers, while I secretly wish I could get some private lessons. Why would I want to kill the part of me that is expressing sensuality, play, and all the rest? I just want to kill the sexy ones that my husband could fantasize about instead of me.
I have a sense that there is a maturation that occurs in this area. I recall in my twenties hearing my older colleague say that her husband is the biggest flirt in the bar. Something about him touching some ladies underwear. My internal "HELL NO" meter went off and I asked her, "How can you allow it?" She was like, "He doesn't go home with them." I thought, "Am I freakin' uptight or is she an idiot?".
This is my beautiful journey. Learning how to love, be married to the same man and do so not with a closed, controlling fist with one million rules, but with an open-handed curiosity and understanding.
I decided a good place to start was looking at the videos that I was hoping he wouldn't watch. I only watch what I can find on YOUTUBE and haven't even explored more intense websites that I am sure are out there (don't be shy to list things in comments). I decided that a way to free my judgments was to "join in" and explore.
In conclusion of PART 1, what I know that isn't any different about expressing sexuality is that motivation is a major factor. If I use sex to control and manipulate, I am making the HOLY, harmonious relationship goal more difficult to achieve. If sex is a way of connection, of expression, of curiosity and even demonstrating appreciation, I take steps closer.
So much more on this to come.
Please share questions, feedback and please, school me on this topic!!!
Comments
Post a Comment