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My husband hides things from me, is that true?

"I am willing to feel that my husband hides things from me and that we lead separate lives."
This sentence came from a Byron Katie "judge-your-neighbor-worksheet" that I just finished this morning. The idea that my husband hides things from me and lives a separate life from me, has  frightened me greatly in the past. 
At one time, to cope with this fear, I employed myself as a detective. I didn't receive a salary. Instead, I earned a lot of terror, anxious adrenaline, and consequently, an emotional hangover that would plague me for days. Thank God I hung up my spying glass and my bloodhound instincts months and months ago.
Last night I had a sort of relapse when I brought my husband his dinner and it appeared that he changed what was on his phone screen. This used to be a massive trigger for me as it poked at this fear of him having some other love, or need met outside of me (controlling). Truthfully, I don't know if he was picking out my birthday gift, or…
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Unsubscribe to guilt

Readers! I have taken a hiatus. Thank you for your patience. Guess what? I am not guilty for leaving my blog unattended. Guilt is my topic today. The message is: unsubscribe!

I've been looking closely at Chapter 13 in A Course in Miracles, titled, "The Guiltless World." After reading in section 1: "Love and guilt cannot coexist, and to accept one is to deny the other."  I find the message is so simple and so profound. I can not feel love in my heart when I am participating in guilting others or myself. Reading this chapter has made me aware of when I make others wrong and has inspired me to pursue a life without guilt. Let's dig deeper!

Real life applicationThe other day while at a four-way stop someone went out of queue and turned instead of me. I made a sound. You know those mouthy sounds that signify disgust, disappointment, disapproval. It was actually a really nice-appearing lady who smiled and waved in her mini-van, and  I felt sheepish for being so…

Hold onto the TRUTH...the ego may be planning a COUP D'ETAT

My Ego dressed up as a dictator...nice try

Taking a moment to gather myself, I feel I have been beat up a bit by my ego mind. All the while, I was aware of the whole experience while not fully buying into it. Put into more concrete context, I was triggered by an experience of disappointment and letdown that taunted me to swirl down into a pool of anger, sadness and despair, all the while present to it and not really taking the bait. There was some new distance between the ranting of my ego and the agreement of my...what to say....spiritually mature Self, capital S. I felt like a young child that didn't get her way and on one hand, and had accepted the outcome. On the other hand, part of me was so used to going into a tantrum that the tantrum was trying to gain its normal momentum. Only this time, I had a knowing that the tantrum was pointless. So there I am without a real sense of what to do with myself with an army of emotions attempting to surge within me, and another part of me…

What do I get out of being offended? I get to be right. I get to put people out of my heart. I get to be a victim.

I've been noticing that recently, I have been getting offended quite easily with my number one enlightenment coach, my husband.

Today, he woke up early and began playing videos from his phone. It was 5:30am. Let the mind training begin :)

Here were the thoughts that were triggered:

1. I could get up and meditate.
2. He is so inconsiderate of my sleep.
3. Breathe, count your breaths. Stay peaceful.
4. What a jerk!

I said, "Honey, I am trying to sleep." Interesting choice of victim words. I could have said, "Honey, the noise is bothersome to me. Please turn it down."

I could also look at my interest in being bothered.

In the end, after he turned down the sound and I could still hear it. I chose to go sleep down on the couch. I didn't feel antagonistic, so I felt I wasn't losing this peace battle to the ego...however....

I grabbed by pillow and made zero eye contact with him. A silent, "You are not on my good list right now" kind of message.


Until you know your WHOLENESS, your relationships will likely suffer.

The children of God are entitled to the perfect comfort that comes from perfect trust. Until they achieve this, they waste themselves and their true creative powers on useless attempts to make themselves more comfortable by inappropriate means. (ACIM, CH 2, III, p 5, lines 1-2).

Unless I know who I truly am, and unless I trust in a perfect order to the Universe, I will flounder in my relationships. How do I know this? I've been paying very close attention.

I had my first serious relationship in sixth grade (at least I felt it was serious). From there, I had a series of long relationships in which I saw many of the same behaviors showing up. They revealed to me patterns that I either picked up from others, or formed on my own. For each pattern, I can identify a deeper false belief that I held:

1. Never let people see your flaws. Hide parts of yourself that you think are ugly. 
Pattern created: Be inauthentic
Deeper false belief: I am dirty and bad

2. Make people believe you are aweso…

Peace is a total commitment.

I am reading through the text of A Course in Miracles a section a day.

I came to the sentence, "The Atonement is a total commitment" in Chapter 2, section II, p7, 7.

This reminds me of how Jennifer Hadley says, "You can't be a little pregnant." :) I have thought of the example of vegans, vegetarians, zero wasters, and others who declare a life choice based on their values and preferences. Vegans could take a day off and have a cheeseburger. Most likely, their bodies would have an adverse reaction, and they may also feel guilty. I am not suggesting vegans shouldn't eat a cheeseburger, simply pointing out that once you make a commitment to yourself, breaking it has consequences. All consequences can be forgiven, of course, yet we are looking at the idea: Peace is an 'all in' lifestyle.

Those of us who say we want peace must know that peace is achieved by following a certain set of guidelines. Attack is no longer an option. Victimhood is no longer an …

Growing pains, what happens when I don't question my thoughts and feelings.

Whew! What a day yesterday! Talk about stewing in my own muck and crappy thinking! I spent hours feeling uncomfortable and irritable. Although I knew this wasn't the highest possibility, ultimately, I allowed myself to just be there feeling everything; I learned so much!

I had been feeling a desire to approach my husband about a concern I had. I got the urge the day before, and decided to process on my own. I woke up with the same urge to approach him. After some consideration, I decided to go for it.

After speaking, I didn't get much out of him (it appeared) and I interpreted the experience as standing on a stage professing my truth and him giving me a single clap. I placed a lot of pressure on him to appreciate my "performance" and to see all the nuances of my vulnerability, courage. I wanted him to know that I desire him to share and communicate with me his VISION FOR OUR FUTURE. This is what I told myself was true. But was it true?

Did I question any of my stres…