Day One: Starting

When I met my husband back in 2009, it was an intense “intrigue at first sight”. I felt a deep connection to his gaze, and he held me very tenderly and intently. I can’t prove that we had known each other before, but my first thoughts were “Who are you?”. “How are you so captivating?”.

Fast forward to present day, we are married. I would say that up until just a few weeks ago, most of our eight-year relationship we were in what A Course In Miracles calls the “special relationship.” He was an idol to me. His love, affection, reactions and actions could send me soaring to feelings of intense happiness, or plunging into dark places of fear. Feeling that I needed his love, his affection, and his undivided attention would send me into moments of fear, rage, jealousy and suspicion. Thanks to the brilliant work of Byron Katie, I began questioning the thoughts that often sent me spiraling. Her process of asking the four questions, “Is it true?”, “Can you absolutely know that it’s true?”. “How do you feel when you believe that thought?”, and, “Who would you be without that thought?” began guiding me more to release all thoughts that were feeding my special relationship, and guiding me toward meeting my husband for the first time each day, each moment. It helped me to see him, myself and life more clearly.

Common fear thoughts for me were:

My husband has private relationships with other women that threaten my feelings of security and trust.

My husband doesn’t want to touch me or kiss me.

My husband doesn’t support me.

My husband will leave me.

My husband doesn’t find me attractive.

Essentially, I was questioning that I was lovable and that I was safe to love him. If I thought any of the above, I would feel afraid. When I would feel afraid, I sometimes would seek evidence (by looking at what he viewed online, or by replaying old stories, conversations, or imagining future ones) to affirm my beliefs. Luckily it is so painful to live like this, it became unappealing to me. As often as I remember, and I am able to take time, I use Byron Katie’s process, known as The Work, to shift my thinking, and thus my experience.

I am so interested in experiencing the benefits of the holy relationship, that I am creating a blog where I am going to anonymously post (I haven't asked my husband's permission to share) how I am applying A Course In Miracles teachings and all other insight I receive to the allowing, creating, however the heck it happens, the shift from the special to the holy relationship. I am gathering materials, talks, insights from meditation to the uncovering and discovering of this sacred shift.

I invite you all to join with me and welcome your wisdom!

Here we go....