I love this Byron Katie quote:
Once we begin to question our thoughts, our patners-alive, dead, or divorced-are always our greatest teachers. There's no mistake about the person you're with; he or she is the perfect teacher for you, whether or not the relationship works out, and once you enter inquiry, you come to see that clearly. There's never a mistake in the universe. (I felt that statement was bold-worthy!). So if your partner is angry, good. If there are things about him that you consider flaws, good, because these flaws are your own, you're projecting them, and you can write them down, inquire, and set yourself free. People go to India to find a guru, but you don't have to: you're living with one. Your partner will give you everything you need for your own freedom.
It's quotes like these that prompt a huge sigh of relief for me. The Universe doesn't make mistakes. Similarly, I have heard Byron Katie say, "How do you know you are supposed to be in a relationship? You are in one." Basically, there is no need for us to question what is. We can simply work with it, if we choose. I am all in when it comes to healing what I see showing up in my marriage.
So if my husband's flaws are my own, here is what I am working with:
1. I am untrustworthy--Indeed I have the awareness that I have made commitments to myself and others and not followed through. Indeed I have felt and thought things that I was afraid to say. I have heard my intuition and not followed it. I have also been hiding things from my husband that I don't want him to know. I am not an open book, which means that I am judging my behaviors as wrong or bad. Which means that I am feeling some shame. In this way, I am being the person I fear he is.
2. I am not affectionate--Again, sometimes I feel resistance to reaching for my husband's hand or rubbing his back. My mind loves to say, "You used to be so free and affectionate. What happened?". I am clear that I used to use affection as a barometer to happiness. Now I can feel a shift where I am expressing affection from a genuine place of not wanting to get anything in return. Not using affection and sex to control and FEEL closer. Instead, giving affection authentically from an overflow of love. It feels like a shift and for now, I am giving myself the leeway to do nothing, rather than to force.
3. I withhold my feelings--Totally. I can agree to this. I sometimes feel my lips are glued shut. It would take a miracle to pry them open. I am in shutdown mode. Or, I am standing at the edge of a conversation without the energy to take a leap, and so I don't. I turn around and usually, I start cleaning something :). I have observed my husband respond to a question or a sharing of mine with nothing of his own. I have felt so unsupported by his lack of response that I would cry or have a mini-fit. When I see him not engaging and sharing, I take it as a personal attack that he doesn't care enough to share, or that I am unworthy of his sharing. This is the meaning I have made. All the while, the behavior is something I can relate to.
The process of using my partner as a mirror works for me. It feels like a pathway to freedom. If I were to have to figure out when to stay and when to go, I would feel enormous pressure. If I were free to judge him as an unfit partner, I think I would create a bad habit of judging others and never looking within. If I can observe all of my experiences with him as a path of healing my own unhealed stuff, I feel liberated. I feel safe. I feel grateful for what I am seeing. Rather than being a victim, or trying to exert control, I can be a master observer taking notes and inquiring more and more within: "How am I like this?". This feels empowering!
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