"I am willing to feel that my husband hides things from me and that we lead separate lives."
This sentence came from a Byron Katie "judge-your-neighbor-worksheet" that I just finished this morning. The idea that my husband hides things from me and lives a separate life from me, has frightened me greatly in the past.
At one time, to cope with this fear, I employed myself as a detective. I didn't receive a salary. Instead, I earned a lot of terror, anxious adrenaline, and consequently, an emotional hangover that would plague me for days. Thank God I hung up my spying glass and my bloodhound instincts months and months ago.
Last night I had a sort of relapse when I brought my husband his dinner and it appeared that he changed what was on his phone screen. This used to be a massive trigger for me as it poked at this fear of him having some other love, or need met outside of me (controlling). Truthfully, I don't know if he was picking out my birthday gift, or that indeed, it was something he didn't want me to see. What I do know is how I choose to react, what I choose to think is directly related to my keeping or giving away my peace in that moment.
Since my early snooping days, I have graduated to the belief that he is allowed privacy. THANK GOD! It has been months since I have felt any sense of distrust. It was just that last night his actions were so obvious, it startled me and set off a fear alarm before I had the chance to catch my reaction.
With this momentary belief that he was hiding something came all the uncomfortable, upsetting feelings. Right away, I sat down and completed a judge-your-neighbor-worksheet while he ate his dinner. No need to suffer for any amount of time!
I got these types of phrases to work with:
My husband should be a man and talk about whatever he was doing; he shouldn't hide.
He should live in integrity.
He should be open and honest in the moment to help our relationship.
He is a sneaky liar and he lives a separate life.
I don't want to feel that he hides things and that we lead separate lives.
If you are familiar with Byron Katie's work, you would know that once you identify your judgments and beliefs, you then inquire if they are true and turn them around.
In summary, for me to be integrity in that very moment where I place the plate of food on the table and he sits back and switches his phone screen, would be to possibly say, "Sorry for startling you." I could have said, "Is there something there I shouldn't see?" (in honest curiosity rather than accusing judgment).
I could also have shared openly, "You know, honey, that behavior has triggered me a lot in the past. Nowadays, I am really interested in allowing you the freedom to have your own life and me to have mine, so that I don't spend time worrying, and closing my heart to you." Followed casually by, "Would you like some salt?" HAHAHA.
I can feel the freedom that I have come into these days. It's exhilarating. Ultimately, I have come to the realization that true love, love without conditions, wouldn't try to block my husband from the life that he wants to live. Whatever he chooses to do in private, is his right. If he ever were to say, "Honey, I have this private thing that I want to do...", I will be allowed to decide if that works for me or not. I don't have to live in fear of what he could do. I can trust that it will be for the highest good for both of us. These beliefs free me from worry and from the temptation to punish my husband every time he appears to hide something from me.
This morning I mustered up the confidence to say, "Honey. I am sorry I got upset last night. I felt that you were hiding something from me and the truth is, I don't really know. You have a right to your privacy."
Unbeknownst to me, he had sent me a text last night that said something like, "You can get mad when I change the phone screen, but what about what you hide your phone from me in the morning." WHOA! I didn't even know he was feeling that. I tried to talk with him about it and he didn't say anything. I said, 'If you feel that way and it bothers you, you can always say something." Again, before if he wouldn't say anything, I would get so annoyed. This time I allowed the space, offered to listen, and when he didn't speak, I shared my thoughts. I walked away and went back to typing this.
These are the opportunities we have all day to get offended, lose our peace, or simply, allow what is happening and trust the outcome. I am so grateful for the freedom I have found.
If you have any reactions, questions, comments, please leave there here or reach out: angela@healingitshappening.com.
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