Hold onto the TRUTH...the ego may be planning a COUP D'ETAT

My Ego dressed up as a dictator...nice try

Taking a moment to gather myself, I feel I have been beat up a bit by my ego mind. All the while, I was aware of the whole experience while not fully buying into it. Put into more concrete context, I was triggered by an experience of disappointment and letdown that taunted me to swirl down into a pool of anger, sadness and despair, all the while present to it and not really taking the bait. There was some new distance between the ranting of my ego and the agreement of my...what to say....spiritually mature Self, capital S. I felt like a young child that didn't get her way and on one hand, and had accepted the outcome. On the other hand, part of me was so used to going into a tantrum that the tantrum was trying to gain its normal momentum. Only this time, I had a knowing that the tantrum was pointless. So there I am without a real sense of what to do with myself with an army of emotions attempting to surge within me, and another part of me that felt actually at peace.

The ego army was saying, "Build up a case against your husband. He is the enemy." I did a little poking around his social media stuff and it gave me no satisfaction. The antagonistic voice persisted, "Find something and throw it in his face!" I lost interest in this and just went ahead and worked on something that I had wanted to complete. "Was I distracting myself?", I asked myself. I wasn't sure.

Ok, text a close friend and see if she can talk. As I waited for her reply, I worked on my project. No real craving, no real desire to even talk about the situation; however, something unresolved within me.

Do a Byron Katie worksheet. Ok. Found that the gem in the experience was never wanting to feel the low energy and the shift from feeling connected to my husband to an awkward disconnection. In Byron Katie's work, you work with turnarounds, so this became, "I look forward to feeling the low energy...I look forward to feeling disconnected." The invitation is to find evidence for the opposite of your seeming upset.  Why would I look forward to this? My teacher says our feelings are indicators of our thoughts. Thus it could be helpful to feel this low energy as a road sign to examine my thinking. I can also appreciate the journey through and out of this low energy.

There was another statement that I saw as a clear projection of my anger and upset out onto my husband and could recognize my own behavior in it. Ha! I'm not upset with him because of this. I am not upset with myself because of this. Perhaps my ego was upset with me because I wasn't upset! (A realization that I am just arriving at NOW).

No wonder I didn't know what to do with myself. My experience was my ego attempting to betray me and I finally saw it as NOT ME. I could hear the voice and the thoughts and they didn't have charge and that was upsetting my ego! I don't judge my husband for his choices. I don't judge me for my choices. I didn't feel disappointed in what happened, I was actually happy that I had taken a risk. From some angles (forgive my vague writing here, the incident was of a personal nature :) ) it could appear that there was failure, but truthfully, I was so aware and proud of my courage.

What is the lesson here? Beware. As you mature spiritually and know the truth, there may be an inner COUP D'ETAT planned against you. My suggestion, stay present. Know that it is not you. Ask for support. Use the tools you like. Give the problem to GOD by thinking, "take this inner conflict please." This is a sign of progress that you and the EGO army are no longer a single force. You are now able to see the truth and the false. Hold on while the army moves through town and know you have freed yourself from War!

Peace is yours!!