I felt the well of emotion from who knows where, my mother's mother's mother. I felt betrayed and disrespected and hurt and afraid. Luckily, my work of clearing my mind of fear thoughts helps me to re-align with peace more quickly.
For a few minutes there I felt like such a hypocrit. All of the messages I am providing in this blog to achieve the Holy Relationship were thrown out the window and I was easily offended, suspicious and looking for signs that my husband was the enemy. Whew! It sucks! I hadn't been here in months which in itself is a miracle and a blessing.
What got me out was a practice of forgiveness: Ho'oponopono.
Ho'opononpono is a hawaiian prayer that essentially is:
I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
This is a clearing prayer.
In the period when my husband was out with friends and sounding inebriated and slurry, I felt my being go back to the times when my dad stayed out until all hours of the morning. I felt my mother's pain as she waited and waited and then feared his homecoming, "What shape will he be in?" "Will he be aggressive and abusive?". I could feel last night compassion for my mother's experiences.
Differences existed. This was only 8:30pm and my husband had only been out for a few hours. My husband is a very peaceful man and doesn't have an aggressive side to speak of. However, I felt that my allowance of his time with the boys was beginning to backfire. I was beginning to feel mistreated and disrespected.
What do I often do at this point? Look for more evidence of his betrayal: Instagram.
Instagram and I have not made friends because I see it like a sharp pair of scissors that I use to cut myself (extreme, I know). When I am upset with him, or looking for answers, I see if he has posted anything and then I naturally mosey into his followers and see which annoying, half naked girl he is following.
Again, I conclude that he disrespects me and he is unloving towards me; I make him my enemy.
After only two minutes of this self-scissor stabbing, I retreated to bed. Yes, at 8:30pm. I noticed I was not productive in my mindset. Better to quit this day!
My mind kept me up until he came home and crashed in bed. No words shared. At that point I had begun the Ho'oponopono prayer on repeat. I asked SPIRIT to guide me. I gave up the battle and went into prayer mode. My personality, Angela the offended, was not helping me any further. I surrendered.
I thought of my blog and how I was hypocritically failing each point I had ever made. I was suspicious, demanding things, offended, snooping, and making the meaning that he was disrespecting me.
I did do some of The Work and noticed I was upset because I was judging him for being childish, selfish and irresponsible. I turned this around and did feel childish for getting so upset over not much, and then felt selfish for wanting to control where he was and when he should come home. I did feel irresponsible in my acts of snooping and for allowing myself to get on the "pain train" (fear thinking) and ride it to the next stop.
What I noticed was that I did have feelings to deal with. They felt old and karmic. While I laid in bed, I noticed that I had the opportunity to stay connected. I could have waited up for him, even had dinner and just heard about his night. I didn't feel strong enough to do that, but at least I saw the possibility. I noticed how hurtful it felt to cut myself off and give up.
I also noticed that earlier in that day, I had felt the most loving with him in I think two years or more. There was a carefree love between us. It was beautiful. It almost felt like fear trying to wreck what we had made.
I confess, readers. I am not yet a master. I am, however, willing to share and bring to the light my unhealed choices.
Ahhh....the relief from being honest and accountable.
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