A frequent ego trap for me in the past (key phrase here) was the thought that my husband does not communicate with me. My perception was that he didn't like sharing with me, or didn't trust me with his feelings. As I reread those first two sentences, I realize that this experience triggered feelings of unworthiness and feeling unlovable. I admit, I don't always share 100% of what is on my mind; however, when I have been upset in the past, I felt the need to talk with him. I had expectations of him responding, then and there with an equal amount, or at least SOMETHING. This has set me up for repeated disappointment, resentment and hurt.
Recently, I decided to reduce the number of questions I asked him. A friend of mine who shares the same enneagram number with him (see post: losing yourself in a relationship to learn more about enneagrams), told me that questions overwhelm her. After I heard her say that, I began reducing the questions like: How was your day? How was the game? Did you team win? What would you like for breakfast/lunch/dinner? This was not an activity in not giving an F. This was about noticing that my husband appears irritated with my line of questioning, and he communicates this frustration in his body language. In a sense, he was communicating with me "stop barraging me with questions".
A side cultural note, my husband is from southeast Africa. His culture has some distinct differences. I set up a tutoring session with someone from his country to begin improving my ability to speak my husband's language, and I took the opportunity to ask some cultural questions from the male perspective. I asked, "Is it common for women from your country to ask their husbands what they want to eat"? My tutor said, "No. We are used to our wives knowing what we like." Essentially, I know what my husband likes to eat. In the past when I ask him that question, he 99% of the time replies, "anything." I know for sure that if I hand him a veggie burger, he is going to ask me, "Where is the meat?" :) Otherwise, he is content eating whatever I make. So why robotically ask him questions unnecessarily?
Although the tutor affirmed my experience that my husband does not like being asked that question, I realize that I was ignoring, refusing my husband's communication style. I also used to go into the story that he makes my life as the main chef in the family "difficult." When in fact, cooking anything is pretty straight forward.
After a week or so of not asking questions, I noticed that he would freely share with me. Typically when he would come home from playing a soccer game, I would ask him questions. Nowadays, I acknowledge he is home with a smile and keep going about my business. Last time I was in the bathroom cleaning the shower. He came in and started telling me about his game AND why he was home early. Interesting. When I gave him space, he shared much more.
I also experimented with Sundays being a Chichewa day. Chichewa is my husband's first language. After months of having the idea and feeling my ego would take a hit with the mistakes I was bound to make, I went for it. My intention: to show my husband I am interested and willing to speak his language. What I noticed was this was so helpful in reducing how much I talk :). I am at a basic conversation level in Chichewa, feelings, opinions, complex descriptions, not there yet. Reducing how much I talk, also prompted him to talk more. Making the effort to construct sentences, asking for repetition and correction won me points. Points that cashed in later if you know...
I don't have to speak Chichewa to speak my husbands language. I have to be willing to accept what he is communicating. I have to be willing to let go of my idea of what normal people talk about and how they talk about it. I am grateful to do less robotic "how-are-you" type of questions and instead, hold a loving space for him to express. I am sooooo excited to explore further and further, and I am so grateful for the benefits this shift is bringing.
Anyone have similar experiences? Do share!!!
Comments
Post a Comment