I watched a Byron Katie video where she said, "When you love someone, you want what they want"...blew my mind.
She said this in response to an upset audience member who was hysterical that her partner had wanted to be with another. Byron Katie looked at her with compassion and listened to the participant say, "I don't want to be YOU, Katie. I don't want to be so evolved if it means my lover can be with others."
Byron Katie held her sweetly and then said something to the effect of, "Oh sweetheart. To love someone is to want what they want."I don't expect my husband to only love me." "If he had an affair, I could ask him how it was". She went on to say that that LOVE doesn't want anything.
This did not comfort the audience member who was indignant and wanted her partner to be wrong, which I so appreciated and related to. I recall being at a retreat with Jennifer Hadley who said, "If my partner adored me and fulfilled me, why would I care if they had other relationships?" Just like the audience member above, I recall feeling like I wanted to start throwing the chairs and breaking shit. I could feel the anger arising. I could feel that this felt so difficult for me to accept.
I find it interesting because I have admittedly had affairs. I know I felt guilty about hurting my boyfriend at the time. Looking back, I did not have the communication skills to say, "Honey, I care about your deeply and I have no intention of hurting you. I also feel the desire to explore other relationships, or be able to hook up with people if I feel inspired." I would never have had the balls or the clarity to say this; I would have felt so selfish.
On another occasion, I kissed someone on a whim and told my boyfriend of 6 years. He broke up with me. I was making a step in the direction of being honest, but I felt I had done something wrong. I had no concept that my feelings, desires, and yearnings were normal and OK. The issue, as I see it now, is being clear, open, honest and direct with what I want and not apologizing for it.
In the realm of non-judgment, what anyone wants, desires, says, chooses is all neutral. It's not good nor bad. It's what is. I am much more healed now to choose the path of my heart and not to be disappointed if my husband wants something else. I am not imagining it to be easy, but theoretically, I don't hold him responsible for what I want, and I don't take it personal if he wants something else.
Therefore, romantic cheating doesn't hold up as a reason to want to explode or be angry at another. The issue of not communicating desires is more the issue. And even then, it would be my choice to make it personal, or to be understanding and compassionate. Especially since in my case, I have been there myself. If I have upsetting feelings, they are all mine to heal. I can ask for support. I can express what I am experiencing without blame.
Seems to me that marriage classes that explore how to communicate best with your partner, and how to talk about people's preferences would be helpful. Since feelings shift, evolve and grow, this would be an ongoing, open conversation.
Maybe it's me who starts these classes :) I am sure they exist somewhere! Thoughts? Reactions?
Thank you for reading!
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