Whew! What a day yesterday! Talk about stewing in my own muck and crappy thinking! I spent hours feeling uncomfortable and irritable. Although I knew this wasn't the highest possibility, ultimately, I allowed myself to just be there feeling everything; I learned so much!
I had been feeling a desire to approach my husband about a concern I had. I got the urge the day before, and decided to process on my own. I woke up with the same urge to approach him. After some consideration, I decided to go for it.
After speaking, I didn't get much out of him (it appeared) and I interpreted the experience as standing on a stage professing my truth and him giving me a single clap. I placed a lot of pressure on him to appreciate my "performance" and to see all the nuances of my vulnerability, courage. I wanted him to know that I desire him to share and communicate with me his VISION FOR OUR FUTURE. This is what I told myself was true. But was it true?
Did I question any of my stressful thoughts as I so often coach and counsel? Not really. I believed that he should have done more, and I believe that it was ok and normal for me to respond by being sad. I later realized I was sad because I didn't question the thought, "I am sad."
I went to my medicine cabinet (my computer) and pulled out a large bottle of my favorite pain medicine (Byron Katie YouTube videos) and swallowed several. The teachings that spoke to me were:
Victims are violent: Yes! As a victim of the situation I felt validated to shut down and to be hostile in my silence and my huffy-puffyness all day.
I project: YES! When I did a judge-your-neighbor worksheet I was amazed at what I wrote that I wanted him to do. When I turned all of my statements around, I found a lot of truth!
Statement 1. I want him to talk with me and share his vision.
Turnaround: Perhaps I really want him to want my vision. Perhaps I want to talk with him and share my vision.
Statement 2. I need him to look at me, acknowledge what I've said, and tell me his thoughts and feelings.
Turnaround: I could have acknowledged what he DID say and to tell him my feelings about it.
Statement 3. He is stubborn and gives up easily. He puts his preservation before me.
Turnaround: I was soooo stubborn in my actions. I was giving up. I am thinking constantly how to preserve myself and make him suffer.
Statement 4. He shouldn't glue his mouth closed and watch me cry.
Turnaround: My mouth was glued shut and I was watching myself cry without asking for help or questioning any of it!
Statement 5. I don't ever want a one sided relationship. I don't ever want to experience a dead end in my marriage.
Turnaround: I do want a one-sided relationship.
If I can get right with ME, the other side will be ok. If I can focus on the one-sided relationship, I will find what I am looking for! The dead end of my personality not being fed is the way to my truly liberated self.
I know what my feelings mean: I can think I feel sadness, but I don't know for sure. I can think that I KNOW why I am upset and stay in this righteous story, OR, I can question. Perhaps I was upset with joy. My husband did in fact answer me and gave me an answer that I wanted. Yet, I still felt upset because he didn't give me more. Questioning that I don't in fact know what I am feeling, really, gives space for the shift.
I would love to believe that I don't need to suffer any more to ultimately live from my TRUE SELF, but is it true? Did I suffer?
Perhaps what I need is exactly what I am experiencing. Perhaps the only issue is that I am believing my thoughts without questioning them.
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